Centola family

Centola Family Crest

Self Forgiveness

All those years of anger, self doubt, self examination, wanting to be loved and then rejected and trying to figure out this thing called life. 

After the rejection comes the anger, at one point you have to just let go, I feel tonight things just slipping from my body and I am letting go of the hurt from previous failed relationships and it feels kind of good. I needed, wanted to write this down, I had to find my blog website, my handle, my log on to share my expericnese so I hopefully one day will look at this and realize I just grew a little bit tonight as a person.

I forgive John for breaking my heart twice (how is that even possible). I forget Sonja for a rocking end to a 20 year friendship.

The key question is..when will I forgive myself.  When will I untrap myself and forcefully, powerfully, authentically move forward with my life with little dough or troubles. 

Time will tell, until then...Que Sera Sera

  

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

5-27-2016

Still Here

It's simple to get caught up in nothing.  Growing up the youngest of 5 boys and gay you learn to keep your mouth shut, learn to fade into the background, learn not to be seen and perhaps that carries with me today.
After my middle brother Christoper killed himself (it was actually a double suicide with his lady friend) my mother was never the same and neither was it. I remember shutting down, I didn't know how to act or have the skills to morn this family loss. However I am still here.
Three years later at the age of 51, my mother was gone. At the age of 23, I felt abandoned again. How could she leave, why did she leave. My mother was a saint and I held a candle up to her.  At first I was so angry with God, then my brother and years later I realized it was about lifestyle changes. If she stopped smoking and exercised after her first heart attack perhaps she would have lived longer. Not sure what this did to me. I wished I knew my mother as a person and not just mom.  However I am still here.
I've been looking down my whole life, self supporting myself and never really looked up to see where I was going or wanted to go, be or do.  I"ve had a few boyfriends along with infidelities, jealous and insecurities
 and I have to say that human beings are really fucked up creatures. Still here.
In 2011 I fell off my bike and landed on my head. I joke about it now however at the time it was pretty serious with a concussion for 10 days and a hematoma.  I had to stay in the hospital overnight for observation and I know I wasn't in my right mind however I had a conservation with God. I  felt so alone and I realized that is how I have felt my hole life.  I reminded God that I"ve had a long, difficult and lonely life and now would be a perfect time to take it. Perhaps that was just me being effective being in the hospital and all.  However I am still here.
Four years later, therapy sessions for the depression I feel into a cycle of eating comfort food, weight gain, low energy, lack of energy to exercise, self pity and self worthless.
This is the phase of my life I am stuck in now. Trying to find the skills, examples and know how on how to overcome this pity mind set to be something greater, something bigger, something larger then life. I know it's in me. I am tried of watching the game of life, I want to play the game of life yet the days turn into weeks and the months just slip by and I feel like I am slowly dying.
Some-days I feel like I can rule the world, most of the time I feel like I am an 80 year old man just waiting to die. I put an a fake smile and just reply "oh I am fine" when family and friends ask how I am doing. I am still here.

Miscellaneous

I am the miscellaneous family member

I am the miscellaneous friend

I am the miscellaneous aging gentlemen

Who feels his life is almost over at 42 years old

Yet mentally he feels like he is 62 and his life is over

Instead of having beautiful mind  and awaking breakthroughs

I am having break downs

I am tired, no I am exhausted

Putting on a brave face each day like everything if fine

When in fact I’ve had 42 years of people walking away from me

People not caring, people turning their backs on me

All I wanted was just to be loved, yet no takers…

De·feat·ed

The weather is changing and I can feel

My mental stability slipping just a little

The cold from the season change reminds me

Like a slap in the face that I am alone

Alone to face another round of holiday parties

Which then circles back to my own self-worth & love

 because I am alone.

It has appears the world has forgotten me, again

It started with my parents’ divorce

It continued with my mom died and left me

So what’s the point in reaching out and loving

When I already know the end result

I need a good cry, I need a good hug, I need to be loved.

Stay or Go?

Sometimes I fantasize about not being here

The biggest joke on humanity is death

Yet some of us still have the courage to keep moving forward

Sometimes I don’t have that courage

some days I just want to go to bed and not wake up

Sometimes I think about taking the easy way out

Who wants to get older, break down and start to fall apart

We fall apart emotionally our whole live and towards the end

Our body’s will also fail us.

What’s the point? What’s the point of life, death and living?

I Dream of Love

You held out your hand and said “follow me”

My heart pushes me towards and on blind faith

I reach out to grab your hand, as we held

Hands and walked forward in life together

I experienced the most loving, most complete

Partnership of my whole life.

You respect me, teach me, love me for me and

Encourage me to grow as a man even when I don’t see what I had to offer.

Something indescribable in your eyes makes me trust you

And for the first time in my life I found something who I completely

Love, I completely admire, I completely can be myself emotional and physically.

I thank you for that with my continued dedication, love, respect, encouragement, honesty and admiration for you.  

And then I woke up with a big smile on my face and fond memories and realize it was a dream however I life for hope, I live for love, I live for life.  

''I wrote this with a gentleman in mind who still makes me believe". Thank you GC