Miscellaneous

I am the miscellaneous family member

I am the miscellaneous friend

I am the miscellaneous aging gentlemen

Who feels his life is almost over at 42 years old

Yet mentally he feels like he is 62 and his life is over

Instead of having beautiful mind  and awaking breakthroughs

I am having break downs

I am tired, no I am exhausted

Putting on a brave face each day like everything if fine

When in fact I’ve had 42 years of people walking away from me

People not caring, people turning their backs on me

All I wanted was just to be loved, yet no takers…

De·feat·ed

The weather is changing and I can feel

My mental stability slipping just a little

The cold from the season change reminds me

Like a slap in the face that I am alone

Alone to face another round of holiday parties

Which then circles back to my own self-worth & love

 because I am alone.

It has appears the world has forgotten me, again

It started with my parents’ divorce

It continued with my mom died and left me

So what’s the point in reaching out and loving

When I already know the end result

I need a good cry, I need a good hug, I need to be loved.

Stay or Go?

Sometimes I fantasize about not being here

The biggest joke on humanity is death

Yet some of us still have the courage to keep moving forward

Sometimes I don’t have that courage

some days I just want to go to bed and not wake up

Sometimes I think about taking the easy way out

Who wants to get older, break down and start to fall apart

We fall apart emotionally our whole live and towards the end

Our body’s will also fail us.

What’s the point? What’s the point of life, death and living?

I Dream of Love

You held out your hand and said “follow me”

My heart pushes me towards and on blind faith

I reach out to grab your hand, as we held

Hands and walked forward in life together

I experienced the most loving, most complete

Partnership of my whole life.

You respect me, teach me, love me for me and

Encourage me to grow as a man even when I don’t see what I had to offer.

Something indescribable in your eyes makes me trust you

And for the first time in my life I found something who I completely

Love, I completely admire, I completely can be myself emotional and physically.

I thank you for that with my continued dedication, love, respect, encouragement, honesty and admiration for you.  

And then I woke up with a big smile on my face and fond memories and realize it was a dream however I life for hope, I live for love, I live for life.  

''I wrote this with a gentleman in mind who still makes me believe". Thank you GC

Spiritual Lust

I guess I never really said good bye to you

I just assume you would do the right thing

I never had time to really grieve for my broken heart

since we were pretending to be friends

but never really tried, fucking is a friendly thing to do

but we never really did anything else, we are both at fault.

the tears I have cried about lost love

about rejection about what could have been.

The tears that roll down my face now are

Cleansing me and purging “us” out of my system

I shall forget you and chalk this up to a learning experience

and I know that is a lie, one day you will realize

that I was the one perhaps when you realize

love just isn’t working out for you and you reflex on the good ones

I pray my name comes to your mind since you’ve always

Had a way of making me feel so unimportant in your life.

I wish you the best, I wish you well, I wish you love.

“this was written about a boy I love but just wasn’t ready to love me back. I felt complete with him . I don’t bond with that many people in my life however this one had an all access pass to my heart.”

Full Circle

I was called back home

Perhaps it was to finish the process of grieving

For my mother who died 17 years before

Perhaps it was to complete my life’s journey

I did feel like I was put back on track

With my life after moving back home

A stranger pointed out “you are back on track with your life journey”

Or perhaps it was me coming home to realize

I need to keep on moving forward, keep growing, keep

Reaching and evolving as a human being.