Diane

My mom would have been 67 years today; I say would have because she passed away 16 years ago. Sometimes is feels like it was yesterday. I’ve noticed my memory of her has faded to black and white. Diane passed away in the middle of the night, her spirit too weak to live so her soul left without disturbance. Michael the boy was so angry at God for taking her away, Michael the man now understands that nobody is “at fault”. I got closure from this when she appeared in a dream months later as an angel and she wrapped her wings around me making me feel safe and protected as mothers do. I am not sure if it was a dream or some type of subconscious connection. So today on her birthday, my heart is heavy and as an adult, I would have liked to know my mother as a person instead of a maternal figure. If you have your mother, call her, turn to her and tell her thank you for the job she did raising you and tell her that you love her just because.

written 10/29

Always on my mind:

Mystery man how I think about you
Mystery man who I fantasize about you
Not sure how you found me
Not sure how you got in my head
Your voice is direct, affectionate and stealthy
and echoes in my mind days later
When I lay down at night, I feel you with me.
I’ve been called “one in a million”.
you will be amazed at what I have to offer you
I made a promise to myself and to god
to respect my myself and my body as for it
is a temple of love and I wish to share this with you.
Next time I see you, I hope my tears of joy do not
embarrass me, I want to look into those caramel mocha eyes
and then suckle on your lower lip.


written 8/09

Miguel

Standing at a busy intersection
I use to feel abandoned, forgotten & lost
People just passed me by
They glanced but never looked at me
everybody is looking for something
I just assumed we are all searching for the same thing
That true love that completes your soul
I now realize that the only person to do so is myself.
The last two years have been amazing
I look forward to more and getting older,
Getting to know myself, my true self, my complete self
We are all on a journey, within your mind is
your heaven or hell, I choose the light,
Happiness, health and peace within myself
It’s a beautiful experience, can’t really describe it
without getting emotional about it,
will you joined me?

My Amor

It’s timeless
It’s shapeless
It’s very exclusive
It’s a ball of indescribable energy
glowing, warm, comforting
It would make you feel undoubting loved, warm and complete
Without reservation, without regret, without a second thought
Only a selected few will see it in a lifetime
if it speaks to your soul what will you do?
Schedule an appointment, put it on hold or
assume it will be there in the future
great love come from great risk….

written 08/09

One In A Million

Soft spoken beautiful boy
“One in a million” you have been called
You know so much but haven’t been very far
You are street smart, is that’s enough to get by?
“you ooze with sexuality”
Silly man, look inside and see the person, their soul
A coy smile, a blushful grin, the spark in your eyes
Surprised you are not coupled up
People might think of you as common
However you feel in your soul you are
Destined for greatness with your humanity abilities
You come from the school of hard knocks
You have survived a chaotic childhood with zero role models
When you went through your self discovery last year, you emerged
confident and you became the creature you have always met to be
for the first time you are in love. in love with life.

Alone

The other day I was reminded I am alone
It was in an innocent way
two people talking and sharing
I revealed I was the youngest of 5 boys
“you must have a lot of nieces and nephews”
little did they know that 2 of my brothers are gone,
the oldest is detained and the other is just getting by
I look around at my generation and by now I should
have been partnered up for years, perhaps have a few kids
and even have that white picket fence
for the majority of my adult life
I’ve always found myself in a relationship,
my friends use to call me “the king of LTR’s”
and I was proud to carry that title
friends and dates seem to talk about the norm
of casual encounters and to this day I just don’t get it
I feel like I don’t fit in and I don’t belong
I refused to give in and go with the flow
I have to much self respect and self love
I am embarrassed with my inexperience with men
so this starts a new chapter in my life
I am preparing myself for the long haul
I am comfortable with it
I am leaning to do things alone and it doesn’t phase me
This will make me even stronger.
onger.

Heart of Hearts

In my heart of hearts
I made room just for me
for which only a place I feel
it’s my refuge of calmness, peace and shelter
it’s my gut feeling for my feelings towards the world
it only sees the good in mankind, the good in you
I believe we are all good
it’s the outside factors in society that allows us
turn in our kindness to self destructing animals
when I need reassurance about somebody
I think back to my heart of hearts and it gives
a better balance and I make the proper decision.

Perfect moment in time

Next time I see you and look into your eyes
there will be an unspoken acknowledgment
that will allow my soul to be set free
and I will kneel before you holding up my hands
presenting to you my heart in the center of my hands
making myself vulnerable but not afraid
because I love myself and I want to share this with you

Respect

I am not sure why I go
perhaps it’s the blast of over excessive marketing
crap society announces about mothers day
what about the forgotten ones who no longer have one?
I’m afraid the mighty dollar rules over the human experience
each year I make that trip, it takes me longer to get to the cemetery
then I actually stay, when I drive through the gates a sense of peace over comes me
my body and mood transcends into a calm and beautiful phase.
The flowers are in full bloom, the grounds are extremely clean
It’s amazing how we live our lives and at the end we are reduced
to memories and a plaque with some dates on it.
will people remember me or even come and visit, I doubt it
my family unit has never been solid, it started with the foundation
I live my life to the best of my ability, I stay positive, focused and strong in at the end when I surrender my soul, I would also like to be cremated and placed next to my mother
So that’s why I go, I go out of respect.

Aquarius meets Scorpio

How come it feels like I already know you?
Is it possible to miss a stranger?
It feels natural, simple and relaxing to be around you
Do you believe in destiny, faith and power of attraction?
Would you welcome the challenge of the perfect union?
Would you show me the way a perfect love should be?
Would you wipe away my tears when I need you?
Will you encourage me and respect me like I would you?
Would you tell me about your day, good or bad?
Are you ready for your most honest relationship?
Do you feed off my energy, pureness and shyness
As I would fee of your confidence, honesty and self respect
Have you realized your needs are my wants
You made me realize that for years, my heart has been surrounded by imposters
And you made me forget about everybody before, like they were practice.
Until we meet again…….

A conversation with god

I have allowed society to bleed my soul
Is it too late to be on the correct path?
my inner voice told me it’s too late
I got caught up in cosmetic superficial things
it pushed me away from my goal of being
a servant of love, peace and hope
I live my life in hope as an example to others
some days it’s too difficult
and I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up in the morning
however tomorrow is another beautiful day
and I look forward to it
I never really believed in you until I believed in myself
I found myself at the same time I found you
Did you do that on purpose?

Playing with Fire

From the moment I saw you, my heart was terrorized

I felt cupid smiling upon us and I gave you exactly what you were looking for

In an undiscovered moment, I gave you my heart

I am not sure if I handed it to you or you took it

I told you I saw your soul, you said you loved my spirit

Does everyone get memorized by your brown eyes?

I’m afraid my heart will always bleed for you

Silly me, simple fool how could I fall for a boy like you

I now realize that love is a game with you and it meant nothing

I could not make you love then, how will you love me in the future?

As you move on, remember me, remember us, and remember that first night with the rose peddles as we became one

Thinking of you and us in the future, I am playing with fire

In order to move forward, I will take this fire and burn that bridge

Good bye Little Sparrow

Good bye a million times over.

Karma

What comes around goes around they say
So why did we meet in the first place?
I have inspired you, confused you and question your heart?
You are baffled by me since you are use to thinking with the wrong head
Your genuine coy smile
Your Buddha shaped ears
I feel your energy, your honesty and your beauty
I now understand your thought process
you have no prior experience to associate with me
all I know is that you think to much and I talk too much
therefore you classify me as an oddity.
Why do you have to be so hard on yourself?
Stop thinking about everything and just let it happened organically
love nevery goes away, our mothers are so proud of us

Fabricated Love

I went roller skating the other day
it reminded me of us
I went around and around in a circle
it was pointless, just like us at the end
I gave you love and repaid me with infidelity
how could you love me, you don’t even love yourself
all those years, I still don’t know you
your entitlement, reality and sexuality is mystifying
I foolishly allowed this so called relationship
to eat at my soul, my mind my self respect.
I had to leave in order to keep these things
I’m walking away with my pride, a lesson in love and little regrets
you be surprised how hurt I am by our failure
even though you hurt me, I have no heart feelings,
I got my pride back and sweat independence taste so damn good
You will find somebody else to crown you.

Forgive me

I told you I didn’t love you
Perhaps I was just masking
my wounded pride, my emptiness in my heart
sorry it didn’t work out, I tried so hard
I seem to give and give while you took and took
looking back, I recognize these behaviors so clearly now
leave or be left is how it goes
I’ve been both, it hurts, it sucks
time makes it feel better but how could you forget
It’s funny how we are born alone
we die alone but in the middle
we search for love and tenderness.

Also dedicated to the boys I kissed from 1989-2007

Kiss and tell.....

So much for self respect,
I just wanted to be loved.
What was I, who was I?
A fascination, a trophy, a notch on the bed post
You fool, have you ever looked back and realized that
I am a person with a heart you decided to play with
Do you always think with your genitals?
I’m sorry I didn’t truly love you
I didn’t even love myself until recently
Does my honesty surprise you, it doesn’t me
I am in the process of purging my past experiences
to create better ones.

Dedicated to the six boys I kissed between 1989-2007

Exposed

Sometimes I feel like Jesus up on the cross when it comes to my emotions with you.
So naked, so exposed, so honest.
I have never felt this way before.
It’s exciting and scary.
I don't like being vulnerable, you can hurt me
But this is the reason it’s called love.
I hope I put a smile in your heart
I work so hard for us
I know perfection comes with a price.
Each time we hold each other,
it’s like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together….

Written 4/03

Nonconformist Mary

The candy shop syndrome, no thanks
Three ways? No desire too
Go and soak my oats? What will that do?
Get out and live a little! I am living
Drugs? Love, life, laughter are my drugs
Prude, stuck up & conceited
I prefer naïve, innocent and gullible.
I'm just an old fashion fag
My soul remains concentrated, full of love
waiting for the day it finds it’s soul mate.

Five minus four is me

I look back on my life in amazement

I should have been dead by now

growing up on the “other” side of the tracks

my brothers became a product of their environment

dead or detained, I am the only one that made it

they played the victims of society while I saw opportunity

you can’t escape your past, you can’t even forget it

it has a clever way of haunting you

I live my life to the best of my ability

it has paid off, I am happy, adjusted and hungry for more.

Good bye Richard and Chris

Sorry Kevin and Bill for the hand life dealt you.

Heartbeat

I had my heart broken 3 times this year,
twice by the same person
jaded, bitter, resentful I am not
it made me stronger
some days I feel like Hercules
I have impeccable survival skills
I’ve had a decade of practice
the lines on my face tell a story
what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,
would I do it all over again, in a heartbeat!

My time is now 1/09

partez le bébé, je ne suis pas prêt encore
I am still focusing on me
gehen Sie Baby weg, ich bin noch nicht bereit
I love where I am at in my life
márchese el bebé, no estoy listo aún
you know I love you but I need to be true to myself first
vá-se o bebê, não estou pronto ainda
I will see you soon, I promises.

The Awaking, recap of 2008

It finally all made sense, I never knew what life was all about, I was never really religious, I didn’t understand the happiness of life or love until the switch went on in my mind and one day I woke up and I loved myself. It took a long time in the making however I realized that I am my own source of happiness, my own source of living, my own god. In order to love others you have to first love yourself. I started awaking within myself this year, I understand that my life, my goals and my happiness are all related to my frame of mind. I can do anything, be anybody and my future is based on my current thoughts. I grew hungry for life; I would wake up and be excited about life, excited about a new day and I be so grateful for another day. Life never meant so much to me as it does now; I have never been so focused, happy and clear in my mind. I come first no matter what the future brings me. For the first time in my life I am really me. I knew their was somebody inside me that was the true me. I feel liberated, I feel fantastic, I feel powerful and free. I can’t wait life for the moment, all these years I was living for the future and reflecting on the past. The past only affects you if you let it.

To Be Reborn

I closed my eyes and held my hands up high

I felt the blood of Christ drip through my hands

It felt so pure, so warm and so innocent

and that’s how I’ve lived my life.

A connection of reassurance for being on correct path in my life, self love.

I closed the gates of my own hell last year

Leaving behind the bad habits and emotions

My body regenerated itself; providing me with a newer heart, mind and body

Leaving behind the bad memories, thoughts and actions from the past

Lord helped me move forward, he saw me and scooted me forward

Thank you, I will see you someday but not now,

I’m still in the process of loving myself.

Reflections

I finally found you
You were always in front of me
I’m sorry I didn’t see you sooner
I was so focused on everything but me
This time around I will focus on me
the person I knew inside me
found it’s way emerging
thanks to you, life is soo beautiful
I am finally me for the first time in my life.
Thank you Michael

Redemption 1/08

You discarded me
Not sure how you could abandon true love
You said nothing, just walked away
Actions speak louder then words
You broke my heart
You then broke my heart again with infidelity
Funny how we are like kids on a playground
Playing with others hearts like it’s a game
I am a Scorpio, I forgive but don’t forget
It felt like I cried for years over you
Your redemption will take that long.

Regeneration 12/08

I sat on the cliff facing the ocean while the rain pours down on me
The rain was cold but it felt warm to me
It felt like the tears of a million hearts broken pouring over my body
It diluted my soul at first and I captured their pain as for it was the pain of my heart being broken by you.
My body absorbed these tears and it generated my soul making me stronger and willing to try again.

An Angel 11/08

Like a dried up river
getting it’s first rain of the season
my blood flows with passion for you.
You’re teaching me about patience, love and friendship
in ways I never knew before at the same time respecting my personal growth.
I admire you, trust you and respect you Roberto.
I knew in my heart their was another boy out their whom I would connect with.
It took me a while to find myself and I started the process of self love, projecting
positive energy and respect then I turned around and you appeared.
A lot of things in life are uncertain but waking up next to you is so validating.

Color fades to black and white 11/08

I glanced up at our picture together and it was missing
I had to remove it, it hurts to look at it
When I saw the missing picture
It was the same feeling in my heart, something is missing
Tears rolled down my face as I promised myself
Tomorrow will be a better day, now is not the time for us
Timing in the universe will repeat and all will be aligned.

Kissing booth five cents

Who said you could kiss me?
What am I a fucking kissing booth?
One 2 dates and you are trying to kiss me???
Are you like this with all boys?
If so, no thanks
I felt violated
why am I so serious about this?

Cross roads 7/08

Standing at a cross road in my life
Not wanting to go left or right but forward
men trying to capture my attention and time
with false promises and dreams
only to make themselvesfeel better,
I see ahead of me, a young man holding a map in one handand
extending his other hand to me
with the promise of life of
trust, companionship, friendship, adventures and love.

A new beginning

Confident and cocky
You leave me wanting more.
How do you possess qualities
That I find sexy and secure adventures and genuine
I could learn so much from you
Why do you like me?
You make me question my self worth, my qualitiesand
and resuring my believes.

Goodbye Mom

Why did you leave me?
I think of you everyday
You would be so proud of the man I have become
It was selfish of you to leave
I was angry at god when you left
I now know it wasn’t him, it was you who wanted to leave.
You gave up on life and I could see why
You forgot to kiss me on the forehead and tell me goodbye
when you appeared in my dream and embraced me with your wings
I knew you were safe
Fifteen years later and it still feels like yesterday.
I miss you mom.

June 2008- Bye for now....

Nine (nein) is German for no
This should have been a sign
Nine is also broken down with 4 and 5
What was I thinking with you being 45
Mentally you are still a boy
Scared, confused and running
I demonized you, called you a coward
To make myself feel better
I am sorry for that.

May 2008

God sent me to you
It was never my intention to
cause you confusion or harm
I guess the time wasn't right
I never felt pure, innocent and
strong emotions like this before
I should be afraid but the warm of it
keeps me from harm
I feel like your angel and I wanted to wrap
my wings around you protecting you
and forming a cocoon of love for two.