Nonconformist Mary

The candy shop syndrome, no thanks
Three ways? No desire too
Go and soak my oats? What will that do?
Get out and live a little! I am living
Drugs? Love, life, laughter are my drugs
Prude, stuck up & conceited
I prefer naïve, innocent and gullible.
I'm just an old fashion fag
My soul remains concentrated, full of love
waiting for the day it finds it’s soul mate.

Five minus four is me

I look back on my life in amazement

I should have been dead by now

growing up on the “other” side of the tracks

my brothers became a product of their environment

dead or detained, I am the only one that made it

they played the victims of society while I saw opportunity

you can’t escape your past, you can’t even forget it

it has a clever way of haunting you

I live my life to the best of my ability

it has paid off, I am happy, adjusted and hungry for more.

Good bye Richard and Chris

Sorry Kevin and Bill for the hand life dealt you.

Heartbeat

I had my heart broken 3 times this year,
twice by the same person
jaded, bitter, resentful I am not
it made me stronger
some days I feel like Hercules
I have impeccable survival skills
I’ve had a decade of practice
the lines on my face tell a story
what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,
would I do it all over again, in a heartbeat!

My time is now 1/09

partez le bébé, je ne suis pas prêt encore
I am still focusing on me
gehen Sie Baby weg, ich bin noch nicht bereit
I love where I am at in my life
márchese el bebé, no estoy listo aún
you know I love you but I need to be true to myself first
vá-se o bebê, não estou pronto ainda
I will see you soon, I promises.

The Awaking, recap of 2008

It finally all made sense, I never knew what life was all about, I was never really religious, I didn’t understand the happiness of life or love until the switch went on in my mind and one day I woke up and I loved myself. It took a long time in the making however I realized that I am my own source of happiness, my own source of living, my own god. In order to love others you have to first love yourself. I started awaking within myself this year, I understand that my life, my goals and my happiness are all related to my frame of mind. I can do anything, be anybody and my future is based on my current thoughts. I grew hungry for life; I would wake up and be excited about life, excited about a new day and I be so grateful for another day. Life never meant so much to me as it does now; I have never been so focused, happy and clear in my mind. I come first no matter what the future brings me. For the first time in my life I am really me. I knew their was somebody inside me that was the true me. I feel liberated, I feel fantastic, I feel powerful and free. I can’t wait life for the moment, all these years I was living for the future and reflecting on the past. The past only affects you if you let it.

To Be Reborn

I closed my eyes and held my hands up high

I felt the blood of Christ drip through my hands

It felt so pure, so warm and so innocent

and that’s how I’ve lived my life.

A connection of reassurance for being on correct path in my life, self love.

I closed the gates of my own hell last year

Leaving behind the bad habits and emotions

My body regenerated itself; providing me with a newer heart, mind and body

Leaving behind the bad memories, thoughts and actions from the past

Lord helped me move forward, he saw me and scooted me forward

Thank you, I will see you someday but not now,

I’m still in the process of loving myself.

Reflections

I finally found you
You were always in front of me
I’m sorry I didn’t see you sooner
I was so focused on everything but me
This time around I will focus on me
the person I knew inside me
found it’s way emerging
thanks to you, life is soo beautiful
I am finally me for the first time in my life.
Thank you Michael

Redemption 1/08

You discarded me
Not sure how you could abandon true love
You said nothing, just walked away
Actions speak louder then words
You broke my heart
You then broke my heart again with infidelity
Funny how we are like kids on a playground
Playing with others hearts like it’s a game
I am a Scorpio, I forgive but don’t forget
It felt like I cried for years over you
Your redemption will take that long.

Regeneration 12/08

I sat on the cliff facing the ocean while the rain pours down on me
The rain was cold but it felt warm to me
It felt like the tears of a million hearts broken pouring over my body
It diluted my soul at first and I captured their pain as for it was the pain of my heart being broken by you.
My body absorbed these tears and it generated my soul making me stronger and willing to try again.

An Angel 11/08

Like a dried up river
getting it’s first rain of the season
my blood flows with passion for you.
You’re teaching me about patience, love and friendship
in ways I never knew before at the same time respecting my personal growth.
I admire you, trust you and respect you Roberto.
I knew in my heart their was another boy out their whom I would connect with.
It took me a while to find myself and I started the process of self love, projecting
positive energy and respect then I turned around and you appeared.
A lot of things in life are uncertain but waking up next to you is so validating.

Color fades to black and white 11/08

I glanced up at our picture together and it was missing
I had to remove it, it hurts to look at it
When I saw the missing picture
It was the same feeling in my heart, something is missing
Tears rolled down my face as I promised myself
Tomorrow will be a better day, now is not the time for us
Timing in the universe will repeat and all will be aligned.

Kissing booth five cents

Who said you could kiss me?
What am I a fucking kissing booth?
One 2 dates and you are trying to kiss me???
Are you like this with all boys?
If so, no thanks
I felt violated
why am I so serious about this?

Cross roads 7/08

Standing at a cross road in my life
Not wanting to go left or right but forward
men trying to capture my attention and time
with false promises and dreams
only to make themselvesfeel better,
I see ahead of me, a young man holding a map in one handand
extending his other hand to me
with the promise of life of
trust, companionship, friendship, adventures and love.

A new beginning

Confident and cocky
You leave me wanting more.
How do you possess qualities
That I find sexy and secure adventures and genuine
I could learn so much from you
Why do you like me?
You make me question my self worth, my qualitiesand
and resuring my believes.

Goodbye Mom

Why did you leave me?
I think of you everyday
You would be so proud of the man I have become
It was selfish of you to leave
I was angry at god when you left
I now know it wasn’t him, it was you who wanted to leave.
You gave up on life and I could see why
You forgot to kiss me on the forehead and tell me goodbye
when you appeared in my dream and embraced me with your wings
I knew you were safe
Fifteen years later and it still feels like yesterday.
I miss you mom.

June 2008- Bye for now....

Nine (nein) is German for no
This should have been a sign
Nine is also broken down with 4 and 5
What was I thinking with you being 45
Mentally you are still a boy
Scared, confused and running
I demonized you, called you a coward
To make myself feel better
I am sorry for that.

May 2008

God sent me to you
It was never my intention to
cause you confusion or harm
I guess the time wasn't right
I never felt pure, innocent and
strong emotions like this before
I should be afraid but the warm of it
keeps me from harm
I feel like your angel and I wanted to wrap
my wings around you protecting you
and forming a cocoon of love for two.