Still Here

It's simple to get caught up in nothing.  Growing up the youngest of 5 boys and gay you learn to keep your mouth shut, learn to fade into the background, learn not to be seen and perhaps that carries with me today.
After my middle brother Christoper killed himself (it was actually a double suicide with his lady friend) my mother was never the same and neither was it. I remember shutting down, I didn't know how to act or have the skills to morn this family loss. However I am still here.
Three years later at the age of 51, my mother was gone. At the age of 23, I felt abandoned again. How could she leave, why did she leave. My mother was a saint and I held a candle up to her.  At first I was so angry with God, then my brother and years later I realized it was about lifestyle changes. If she stopped smoking and exercised after her first heart attack perhaps she would have lived longer. Not sure what this did to me. I wished I knew my mother as a person and not just mom.  However I am still here.
I've been looking down my whole life, self supporting myself and never really looked up to see where I was going or wanted to go, be or do.  I"ve had a few boyfriends along with infidelities, jealous and insecurities
 and I have to say that human beings are really fucked up creatures. Still here.
In 2011 I fell off my bike and landed on my head. I joke about it now however at the time it was pretty serious with a concussion for 10 days and a hematoma.  I had to stay in the hospital overnight for observation and I know I wasn't in my right mind however I had a conservation with God. I  felt so alone and I realized that is how I have felt my hole life.  I reminded God that I"ve had a long, difficult and lonely life and now would be a perfect time to take it. Perhaps that was just me being effective being in the hospital and all.  However I am still here.
Four years later, therapy sessions for the depression I feel into a cycle of eating comfort food, weight gain, low energy, lack of energy to exercise, self pity and self worthless.
This is the phase of my life I am stuck in now. Trying to find the skills, examples and know how on how to overcome this pity mind set to be something greater, something bigger, something larger then life. I know it's in me. I am tried of watching the game of life, I want to play the game of life yet the days turn into weeks and the months just slip by and I feel like I am slowly dying.
Some-days I feel like I can rule the world, most of the time I feel like I am an 80 year old man just waiting to die. I put an a fake smile and just reply "oh I am fine" when family and friends ask how I am doing. I am still here.